Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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