Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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