he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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