$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
