You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
