it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
