you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
