I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
