Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
