i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
