I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
