and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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