Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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