omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
