she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
