I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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