I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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