I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
