But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
