Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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