So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
