Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
