Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
