So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
