i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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