We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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