You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
