u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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