after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
