i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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