if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Bring me that man meat
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
