i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
