Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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