what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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