Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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