There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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