I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
