I can't watch pbs sober anymore
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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