I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
