You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We left an ass print on the piano.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
