im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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