Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
