dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize