I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
