if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
did i walk over a car last night?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
