ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
