I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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