Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
