i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
