and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
