my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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