I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
