Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
try to milk me bitch
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
