i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
