i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
