I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
