i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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