I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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