I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
