Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
