u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You can't motorboat a personality
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
