4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
