R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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