I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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