i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
