Sponge bath it is.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Randomize
