Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
